-Alf-Aries-San

Sorry but

ur writing really sucks!

Dewa Mata,

Niji-Hana

"Innoscence Activate"

http://view.playlist.com/13500951819

PART 3! Or thus the final part of the first Saga before I one I began this year. I hope you enjoy it! =D This is probably the best of the 3... you'll never guess what happens!!!! >,< (Noone dies and it was a HOAX!)

Tears

(MATURE)

Part 3

Angel leaves Pizza Hut. She calls a taxi. She thinks to herself “Hey! Maybe I can find Max a present! It may be too late, but I think I’ll be able to manage something!”. She gets inside the taxi and says “Could you take me to the nearest mall please?”. The taxi driver says “Hey, no problem babe. Looking for a last minute Christmas present?”. Angel smiles and says “Yes. Yes I am!”.

The guy takes him to the nearest mall. Angel pays him the money and gets out. She walks inside the mall and thinks “Hmm. What should I get? What would Max like?”. She looks around the mall. Foot Locker, Zales, Toys’R’Us, Game Stop, everything! She looked through most every store, but didn’t find anything. She began to feel as if she would never find anything for him. Then, at the other end of the mall, she finds a small store.

She walks up to it. The sign read “Happiness!”. She looks inside to see all sorts of nick knacks. The shelves were full of things. The lady in the store says “Welcome!”. Angel smiles and replies “Why thank you!”. She is drawn to this one shelf.

This shelf was full of snow globes. She looked at them and said “They all look so pretty!”. Then, she saw this one of two children frolicking in the snow, throwing snow balls at each other. One of them was standing behind a snow man. That boy looked just like Max. On the other side, behind a bank of snow, a little boy that looked like Stephen was throwing back at Max. They were laughing, and having fun.

Angel thought “This is perfect! I think Max would love this! It’s small, but I think he’ll get a kick out of it!”. She picks it up, and buys it. The lady says “Have a wonderful Christmas!”. Angel replies “Oh, I know I will! You do the same!”.

~~~

On the other side of the city, Max was walking around thinking how to keep away from Stephen. Max thought “OK. He could be following me right now for all I know. So, I will not pick up anything what so ever, to avoid getting it in my hands. Also, incase he wants to force it into my hand, I need to keep my hands in my pocket. He also may not know about that part of the death note. He could think that someone is going to kill him physically, and he may try and kill me before that. If that happens, I need to find a weapon to use incase of this. But what?

I don’t have the license to own a gun, so that’s out of the question. Even so, it would draw suspicion for the police because they may think that I killed him. So, I think the best choice currently would be to purchase a steak knife. It’s normal, and wont draw too much suspicion. Unless he got stabbed, but I need it anyways. I could say I did it in self defense. If he is at my house or following me, I could argue self defense. But that would only work if it was in the kitchen of my house.

But, he could be at his house, waiting for his inevitable doom. Also, I don’t think I can count out the fact that Angel could be a suspect. He could be waiting right at home for me or her to walk through the door to kill me or her. He doesn’t have a gun either. He may use a knife to kill. But as far as I know, he thinks I don’t have the key to his house. I think I should buy the knife, then go to my house. If he’s not there, just in case he does think it’s Angel, I should go to his place. Hopefully it wont be too late when I get there if it is Angel though.”.

He walks into a small convenient store close by. He picks up and buys a steak knife. He calls over a taxi and goes to his apartment. He slowly opens the door. He takes the knife and slowly walks in. His cat walks up to him and hisses at him. Max thinks “That’s unusual. But this is a bad thing. This could give me away!”. He’s looking all over while walking in. He thinks to himself “I shouldn’t turn on any lights. He may know I am here, but I could use this darkness to my advantage. But also, Stephen could be doing the same. Dammit. I’ll stick to the shadows still.”.

~~~

Stephen is sitting down in the chair at his computer. He had his legs crossed and his head facing down. He had his hands on his head holding it up. His fingers were curled in his hair, pulling on it. Stephen thought to himself “W-Why does she want me dead? If she wants to be with Max again. She can tell me. I’ll understand. Maybe she doesn’t want to hurt my feelings like what we did with Stephen? Damn it. DAMN IT!”.

He sees lights peer through his window. He gets up and looks down to see a taxi. Angel walks out of it. She had a bag in her hand. She gave the taxi driver money and the taxi left. Angel began to walk inside the building. Stephen says “It’s time.”. He turns around and sits back down in his chair.

~~~

Max, at his apartment, says “Well, I searched every inch of this house, and he’s just not here. So he must be at his apartment. Unless, he went to my parent’s house! No, that cannot be. He respects my parents too much. He wouldn’t try to kill me in front of them, unless he found out that he needs to give me the Death Note to cancel and reverse the effect. I should check anyways. It’s about a block away, I can run it.”.

Max dashes out of his house with the knife tucked in his jacket. “I cant be late” Max thinks, “If I am, Angel could be dead and this will all be for nothing!”. He finally makes it to his parents house. He crashes through the door. He sees his mother setting Christmas presents under her Christmas tree. Max asks “Mom! Is Stephen here?”. She looks down at Max’s jacket and sees the knife.

She says “Max, your scaring me!”. Max shouts “Mom! Answer me! Me and Angel could be in danger!”. “What about Stephen?”. “Mom! I don’t have time for this! This is life or death here!”. “No, no he’s not.”. Max thinks “Just as I thought. He doesn’t know about the Death Note’s power. He just does not want to have my mother see me die. Even if he had the Death Note and gave it back, he wont want my mother to see it. Why didn’t I think of that sooner.”. Then he shouts “SHIT!”.

He runs back out of the house and calls for a taxi. One pulls over and he tells him where to go. Back at the apartment, Angel walks into the room. Stephen was still sitting down in his chair. Angel says “Hey! How’s it goin’?”. Stephen replies “Oh fine. Fine.”. “I picked up a present for Max.” said Angel. Stephen’s eyes widen. Stephen thinks “What? She said that she had already gotten one for him. She got another one? Why?”.

Stephen asks “I thought you had already gotten one for Max?”. Angel shakes her head and says “Well, I said that because at first I didn’t want to get him one. But since talking with him, I feel a lot better and picked him up this nice snow globe!”. She takes it out of the bag. Stephen doesn’t bother to look at it. Angel walks to the other side of the room. Stephen, with his eyes, followed her across the room.

She opened up the slide door which led to a balcony outside. Stephen thinks “This is it! This may be my only chance!”. Stephen gets up off the chair and begins to walk towards the balcony. Angel was leaning on the balcony looking at the snow globe. She shook it. She could almost imagine the two having fun and playing.

Stephen walks over until he is right behind her. Max, down below, throws the money on the taxi driver. He opens up the door. Angel hears Stephen behind her and she turns around. She says “Hey…” but Stephen pushes her before she can say anything. She falls off the balcony. Max gets out of the taxi and looks up. Angel is falling. Max becomes numb. Everything seems to go in slow motion.

Angel finally hit’s the ground head first. Soon after, he can see glass smash onto the ground as well. Max shouts “Nooo!”. Max runs over to Angel and puts her in his lap. Blood is gushing out of her head. Max turns her over to see her face. Her eyes peered into nothing. Max checks her pulse. Angel is dead.

Max begins crying. Max says “Dammit. Dammit. Dammit. Dammit. Dammit! I was too late. Too late.”. He bends over to put his head on hers. Then Max shouts “No! Why did you have to die!? Why did this have to happen to you!? No! Nooo!”. The taxi driver runs out of the car and shouts “What happened?”. He sees Max with Angel in his hands. Angel bleeding.

The taxi driver shouts “Someone! Call an ambulance!” into the blank abandoned streets. Max looks up at the balcony. He sees Stephen peering over it with a blank face. Max shouts “You bastard! I’ll kill you!”. Max lays Angel down on the ground and runs up to the front door of the apartment building. He kicks the door open.

Stephen thinks “Damn. I’d better lock the door. He doesn’t even have a key!”. Stephen runs over to the door and locks it. First with the door itself, and then with the chain lock. Max runs up the stairs thinking “I’ll kill him! I’ll kill him!”. Max makes it to his room. He shakes the handle to realize it’s locked. Max pulls out his key and puts it into the slot.

From the inside, Stephen could hear him put the key into the slot. Stephen thinks “He has a key? B-but that’s impossible!”. Max opens the door a crack to see the chain lock in effect. Max closes the door, then kicks it open, breaking the door.

Stephen sees the angry Max drenched in blood staring right at him. Stephen shouts “B-but I thought you lost your key!”. Max replies “You bastard! You killed her!”. “I thought she was going to kill me! I got this Death Note! She had to of wrote it!”. “No! I wrote in it you son of a bitch!”. Stephen begins to cry. Tears stroll down his eyes. Stephen says “I-I’m sorry. But- but why? Why would you kill me?”.

Max pulls out his knife and says “What do you expect? You ruined my life! My dream wife you stole from me! You never told me my father died! I lost my fucking job! YOU RUINED EVERYTHING!”. Stephen begins crying. He falls onto his knees and begins shaking his head. Stephen nods his head no and sobs “Please. Please.”. Max looks over to the clock. It reads “11:58”. Max smiles.

Stephen asks “What?”. Max says “That Death Note I gave you. It was real. I gave you the Death Note at exactly midnight last night. So, as soon as it turns Christmas, you will die of a heart attack. And I will have the pleasure of watching you die!”. The clock turns to “11:59”. Stephen shouts “B-but I don’t want to die! Please! Reverse it! I’ll do anything!”.

Max replies “Did you think of that when you killed Angel you bastard? Besides, it’s un reversible!”. Max throws the knife on the opposite side of the room, away from both of them. Stephen stands up and walks over to his computer desk. He picks up the Death Note. Max sits down in a chair and puts his hands in his pocket. Max says “You know there is one way to reverse it.”.

Stephen looks over to him. His eyes and hears ready for what he is about to hear. Max continues “If you put that Death Note back into my hands, I will die instead of you. But, it’s too late to give it back anyways.”. Stephen runs over to him and grabs his arms, trying to pull them out of his pockets. Stephen shouts “Give them to me! Give me your hands!”. Max shouts “It’s too late Stephen. Look at the clock!”.

Stephen looks over to the clock. He sees the clock turn “12:00”. Stephen falls to his knees. His body, numb. Stephen feels tears stream down the side of his face. Max stares at him and says “Goodbye Stephen. Thanks for nothing.”. So far, nothing happens. Max looks back at the clock.

It reads “12:01”. Max thinks “I know I gave it to him at exactly 12:00 midnight. I made sure! I know it was! Unless…. it’s a fake!”. Stephen shouts “So, it was only a fake?”. Max and Stephen look at each other, and then to the knife on the other side of the room, then back to each other again.

The rooms becomes silent again. Stephen stands up from the floor and Max gets up from the chair. They both dash towards the knife. They are punching and clawing at each other. They both fall towards the ground. They begin punching each other, but at the same time, trying to get closer to the knife. Max rolls on top of Stephen and slugs him as hard as he could in the face, breaking his nose.

Stephen over powers Max and rolls over on top of him. He crawls over to the knife. Max grabs onto Stephen’s waist to try and stop him. Stephen slowly made his way to the knife. Stephen thinks “Almost there. Almost there!”. Max screams “Aaaaaaah”. Stephen reaches the knife and grabs it! Stephen bends over and stabs Max in the neck with it.

Max lets go of Stephen and grabs his neck. Stephen rips it out. Max tossed and turned on the ground, choking to dead. Blood squirting everywhere. He kept making these un settling noises. They were at first loud, then eventually came to a silence. He was on his stomach, face down. Stephen stands up and kicks him over. Max is dead.

Stephen grabs his mouth, then throws up. He can hear police sirens outside. He walks to his computer desk. He sits in his chair. He looks down. He thinks “There’s nothing now.”. Stephen stands back up and walks over to the balcony. He puts one foot on it, about to jump off. The police run into the apartment room and grab Stephen before he can jump off.

One of the police look at Max and says “My God!”. They take him out and throw him into the police car. People gathered around to see what was going on. He saw Max’s mother run out of the building shouting “My baby! My baby’s dead! A child shouldn’t die before their mothers!”. She couldn’t stop crying. Then, she looks at Stephen with disgust. Stephen thinks to himself “I know Mrs. Fisher. I deserve all of it. I killed my best friend, and my girl friend. I’ve known them all my life. I killed them for no reason. I am a monster…”. He sees out the window another figure. Pale white face and black eyes. The police car drives away.

Little did he know, it was Lived. The one who gave Max the Death Note. Lived chuckles and says “Well Max. You made one mistake. Because you never said how he would die, you were going to kill him with the knife by random death. But, since you told him, and you touched it again when he tried to force it into your hand, your fate had been reversed. It was fun while it lasted.”. He chuckles again and fades away into a mist.

The End

LOL! I was kidding on the hoax LOL! Though I doubt the joke will work since you'll scroll to the bottom first or something and read this message knowing the joke was not real LOL! Well, I hope you liked it! I'll get Death Note Christmas II part 1 up sometime later this week! =D

Can't wait to read it either ^_^

Dewa Mata,

Niji-Hana

"Innoscence Activate"

http://view.playlist.com/13500951819

Part 2 of my original story! =D I hope you enjoy!

Tears

(MATURE)

Part 2

The next mourning, Angel wakes up in bed next to Stephen. She says “Hey baby. Are you awake?”. Stephen replies “I am now.”. He turns around to face Angel. When he does, he hears something fall on the floor. Angel asks “What was that?”. Stephen turns around to see on the floor a black note book. He picks it up.

He opens it up to see it only has one page. The one page has his name on it. The inside of the front cover said “Death Note” on it. Stephen asks “Death Note? Is this some sort of joke Angel?”. Angel says “What do you mean?”. “Did you give this to me?”. “No! I don’t even know what it is!”.

Stephen asks “Then how did it get here?”. “I didn’t do it! I swear!”. “I believe you. I just don’t know how it got there!”. “Maybe you brought it home from work?”. “Yeah, probably.”. Stephen and Angel get up from bed. They get dressed. Angel asks “Hey Stephen! It’s Christmas Eve. How about we just go out and have fun today instead of working on that book of yours?”.

Stephen smiles and says “All right. But let me just finish this chapter. It should only take an hour.”. Angel says “Oh. You’re a party pooper.”. She walks out of the bedroom. Stephen runs over to the computer and grabs the Death Note. He thinks to himself “This couldn’t be an actual Death Note could it? I’ve heard of Death Notes before, all sorts. All are fake and never happen. But, could it be real?”.

Angel walks back into the room. She says “Oh, I forgot my…”. She looks over to Stephen on the computer, researching Death Note. She says “Oh Stephen. Your so gullible. You believe in all that supernatural stuff. I can guarantee that its not a real Death Note. It’s impossible.”. Stephen replies “So, you’ve heard of it?”. Angel says “Well, a little…”.

Stephen makes his way to a website. It’s called “SuperNatural.Com”. Angel shouts “Well, if your just going to be on that dumb web site, we might as well just go out to breakfast!”. Stephen says “Ok. Ok. Give me a second!”. He takes the Death Note out and gets a pen. He tries to write the web address down in it. But nothing was being written. “Must be dead.” he thinks. He opens up a pack of new pens. He takes one out and tries to write again in the Death Note. Nothing happened again!

“These pens wont work!” he thought. He tries a few more pens, but they did not work. Finally, he takes a pencil, and that didn’t even work. Then, Stephen realizes “I-It’s the Death Note! It’s real! It has to be if it wont be written in!”. Angel comes back into the room, realizing that Stephen has been fidgeting with the Death Note. She says “C’mon Stephen! Leave it here, and we’ll come back to it later! Now come on! I’m starving!”. Stephen nods his head and says “Yes. Yes. I know!”.

He rips a piece of paper from another paper and writes the web address down. He puts it in his pocket and hides the Death Note in his coat. They leave the building. They call over a taxi to take them to I-Hop for breakfast. Both Stephen and Angel order pancakes. They talk a little bit about Stephen, and how they can help him come over this hard time. After they eat, Stephen has to go to the bathroom.

He goes into one of the stalls and sits down on top of the toilet seat. He pulls out his cell phone from his pocket along with the Death Note and the piece of paper he wrote the web site on. His cell phone can go on the internet. He types in the web address he wrote on the paper.

The web site pops up. He scrolled down to the button listed “Monster List”. He thought to himself “It must be in this one.”. He clicks on ‘D’ on that page. He scrolls down more and finds a link that will take him to “Death Notes”. He selects it. There before him is little information about the Death Note.

It read “The Death Note is a Note created by the devil to give to humans when they are in a strong emotion. The person who writes the name in the Death Note must give it to the person they want to kill with their name in it. If someone else gets it before the person they want to kill gets it, the person who wrote the name in it will die. The person who receives the Death Note will die in 24 hours unless details were written other wise. The only way to be rid of the curse is to kill the person who wrote the name in it.”.

Stephen then thinks to himself “Someone with a strong emotion? Devil? Is this real? Even so, if it was not real, someone leaving me this will kill me! Which means, I need to find them first but who could it be? Could it be Max? Max would never do that to me right? But how did he get in my apartment? He couldn’t have! He told me that he had lost the keys to my apartment! So he is out of the question. The only person who could have given it to me was Angel. But she wasn’t in high emotion was she? Wait, at the diner we were at last night! She was devastated. But not as much as Max. But, why would either want to kill me? I don’t even think their suspects here.

Maybe Robert from work! He’s always hated me since I took his job. But that was four years ago. He should be over that by now. Well, right now I need to go back out there for now. If this Death Note is right, I should have until midnight to figure it out. Christmas, how ironic? Unless its just a prank. Yeah. That must be it! But, if it were a prank, how did that person get to my apartment. Oh well. I’ll just go back out so see Angel now.”.

He walks out of the bathroom and to Angel. She was on her cell phone talking to somebody. As Stephen got closer, she realized it and said “I’ll see you latter.”. Stephen asks “Who was that?”. She replies “It was Max. He wants to be with me alone to apologize for last night.”. “Alone? He doesn’t want to see me?”. “No, its not that. I think its because we were going out for a really long time, and we could use this time alone.”. “Oh. Gott’cha. When are you going to meet him?”. “2:30 at Pizza Hut.”.

Stephen says “Well, right now it’s noon, so what do you want to do until then?”. “How’bout we catch a movie?”. “OK!”. They call a taxi and go to the movies. They go see the movie “Walk Hard”. After the movie, Angel goes to meet Max, and Stephen goes home.

When Stephen gets home, he sits down to think. “OK. I need to figure this out. Who would or could kill me. Angel and Max, there’s no way they would want to, would they? Angel is my girl friend and Max is my best friend. Sure there was the thing were me and Angel lied to Max, but he’s not the type to kill someone. He’s too big of a chicken. As superstitious as I am, I don’t believe in the Death Note’s power. But it’s obvious it’s not a prank.

If it was a prank, it would have to be someone who has my key. Which means its either me, Angel, and possibly Max. But Max lost the keys, so he wouldn’t come in. There was no sign of any tampering of anything. The door was locked and the windows were locked and un open. Angel and I were the only ones in the room. But what intentions would she have against me.

Could Robert possibly want to kill me? He’s the only person I know who would want to kill me. But, its been years since I took his spot. He doesn’t even have my keys. There was no evidence of breaking and entering, so I am sure that it was not him.

Unless she’s planning on going back with Max. Maybe she feels so bad about it, she’s willing to kill me to be with him again. But she would never. Or, would she. Well, at this point, if they are the only suspects right now, I need to check them out. I need to go find them out to dinner at Pizza Hut. I must find them.”.

He sits back up, puts on a hoodie, calls another Taxi, and takes him to the closest Pizza Hut to the dinner that they were at this mourning. They were in there. He waits to get a table, and he gets a table 2 rows behind them. When the waiter left, he moved to the table closest to them, on the side that is the closest to them. He begins to listen to their conversation.

Max says “Again, I’m sorry for the other night. I shouldn’t of acted like that.”. She replies “No, it’s OK. It’s my fault for not telling you it wasn’t working.”. Max chuckles and replies “Hee hee. Well, you know I was going to ask you to marry me. He he.”. “Well, that’s not funny. You were being serious.”.

“Yeah I know.”. “I don’t know what happened! Maybe, if Stephen was not here, things could have been different.”. Stephen’s eyes widen. He covers up his mouth and runs into the bathroom. Little did he know, Max replied “My thoughts exactly.”. “Oh! Not like we would, right!?”. “Oh, no! Of course not!”. But in Max’s mind, he knew what might come.

Max also thought “He must know by now! Someone gave him the Death Note. But who Stephen? WHO!?”. All of a sudden, Max felt something rumble in his stomach. He says “Wait here Angel, I’ve got to go to the bathroom.”. She replies “OK!”. Max gets up, and walks into the bathroom. He opens up the door and hears someone throwing up in one of the stalls. Max says “Geesh. The food here’s not all that bad is it?”.

The toilet flushes. Stephen walks out of the stall with his hood on. He has his hands in his pocket and he passes Max. Max looked at him. He saw his face a little bit. Max turns around, away from him and thinks “No! It cant be! Stephen? Spying on us? Has he figured out that it was me already?”. Max shivers a little bit. He decides to go into one of the stalls and sit down.

Max thinks “Damn. That cant be right. No, its true. It’s the obvious choice! From what I did the other night, its unforgettable! But, wouldn’t he have given me the Death Note to kill me right there? No, he may not know that is the case. Or, he’s just too soft. He’s always been soft, but I don’t think he would even know of it’s power. He must think that someone is pranking him. But he’s here. That’s not a coincidence! He must know its me. He must know I am going to kill him. He might even try to kill me. The best thing to do now is to follow him where ever he goes. But I need to keep a far enough distance from him where I am safe.”. He flushes the toilet, washes his hands, and tells Angel “I just got call from the Space Center. I need to go.”. She replies “O-OK.”.

Max runs outside. He looks around. Stephen is no where to be found. He says “Shit!”. Stephen is in a taxi cab on his way back to his apartment building. Stephen gets out and goes back to his apartment. He thinks to himself “When Angel gets home, I’ll kill her!”.

To Be Continued

First off it is a very intriguing story indeed.  I wanted to just keep reading and when I got to the end ... well I just thought "darn it all anyway, now I have to wait for #2."

I did notice that you have a lot of short sentences which made it a bit choppy in reading it.  But you did say that you wrote this a year ago, so I took that into consideration. So my suggestion would be to try to combine some of the short sentences together so it is a bit easier to read.

But as for the story as a whole it is well written and presented.  

Excellent job Zabby!  Keep up the good work my friend.

Dewa Mata,

Niji-Hana

"Innoscence Activate"

http://view.playlist.com/13500951819